Deviant since Aug 19, 2016 | Core Member until Apr 25, 2017
i cant be loved, cant i?
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and what the fuck have i become? many years ago i was happy and energetic.. and always wanted to make friends.. and just hang out with them.. then my grandma put me in public school, i was like "hey, i could easily make new friends in school. that would be nice right?" i was only with my grandma by the time in the apartments. only me and her. my mom was pretty much unable to take care of me since she wasnt ready, so she gave me to my grandma.
then the bus comes and i get on it.. you know, the usual. first time in class, in kindergarten i met a friend in the backyard before i got into schooling and my teacher apparently judged me on how i look. i wasnt wearing the correct clothes and my stomach was kinda showing. i tried pulling my shirt down and nothing wouldnt work. and i got bullied in recess, i got called fat.. and my friend ditched me to be friends with some bully
couple grades later.. i was at lunch.. and apparently i couldnt eat the rest of my food. and someone that worked in the lunch room legit forced me to eat it all. i legit wanted to whack him across the head with my lunch tray. he made me cry and i went to sit on the steps in the lunch room. all of the kids who lined up to go outside and play, just watched me. they didnt ask whats wrong.. nothing.. all they did was just watched.
i got bullied on the bus, people would try to push me out of the seat. i even got bullied in the backyard too, i always questioned when will this shit be over..
i then moved out of marysville and here into kansas.. nothing wasnt the same.. i never went outside again.. the laptop took me over.. i sit in a bed 24/7 now.. i never exercise.. i stay in the dark.. then the internet ruined me even more.. everyone hates me i feel very depressed, i really want to fucking die.
i lost everyone because of me i lost my fucking girlfriend also because of me my birthday has been ruined i am very alone, theres nobody to be there for me. happiness doesnt exist anymore.. i cant have a moment of peace, without being constantly harassed.. im now even more bitchy.. i cant trust anyone..
"internet friends arent real friends" "everytime you're offline, your friends talk about you behind your back" "you know when your friends say they care about you and love talking to you? they are actually lying, you dont matter to them" I FUCKING GET IT. IF INTERNET FRIENDS ARENT REAL FRIENDS, THEN I DONT HAVE FRIENDS AT ALL THIS WHOLE TIME.
every day im sad as fuck, i cant be happy for awhile anymore everytime when i smile it only lasts for 5 seconds
i really want to fucking die i try to hide my sadness from people i know people want me to be gone im having so much trouble believing people that i matter to them where the fuck did my happiness go where the fuck did everyone go
i am hurt i am lonely i need someone i want love i want friends who understand how i feel i need someone to vent to i want another chance.
...but i guess i didnt deserve anyone.. in the first fucking place..